I. #

Some studies suggest we spend 80-90% of our waking hours talking with others. For a normal person, that’s at least 12 hours (!) per day. We spend most of our working hours talking to others, whether it be in meetings, lectures or exercise classes. When we’re not working, friends, roommates or partners might be around. The hours add up.

Why do we spend this much time talking with others? Above all, interesting conversations are among the greatest pleasures in life. There’s nothing like a good conversation over a good meal. But talking with others can also be very productive. For example, talking with people smarter than you is a phenomenal way of learning. It’s like you’re downloading part of someone else’s worldview into your own head. Of course, there are other ways of achieving the same thing. However, in my opinion, one-on-one discussions come the closest to a loss-free download.

For this reason, it’s natural to ask how we can have better conversations. Similar questions are often raised in the context of dating (“What are good topics to talk about on a date?”) or business (“How can we have more productive meetings?”). However, this question seems relevant to everyone.

II. #

Several classic Russian novels go something like this: some characters are sitting on a train, they begin chatting and one thing leads to the next. That leads to an 800-page novel. The conversations they have are fascinating, although a bit exaggerated.

I often have good conversations when I’m traveling. It’s as if me and my travel companions have this tacit agreement: “Okay, we’re all somewhat bored. We can’t do small talk for another five hours, so let’s talk. For real.” For this reason, people often end up being more open with one another.

Moreover, simply being in a different environment can help. If you and a colleague are on a business trip, you’re less likely to ask the usual questions about the weather or life back home.

Takeaway: the norms of the conversation matters a lot. If everyone implicitly agrees on the purpose of the discussion, things become a lot easier. Sometimes, there’s no need to say it out loud. But it can definitely help. For example, it might be better starting the phone call by saying “Hi, I need advice about you-know-who.” Or you might agree on a set of norms for the conversation. For instance, I recently learned that some people in rationalist circles will put a five minute timer whenever someone brings up philosophy of mind, a topic which often leads nowhere.

III. #

Many scientists, artists and writers would have something like an intellectual spouse - a close collaborator with whom they’d discuss ideas. Famous examples include Watson and Crick, Lennon and McCartney or Sartre and de Beauvoir.

Discussing is a skill. Doing it with the same people, at the same time and at the same place is a bit like practising regularly. Once you know each other sufficiently well, there’s no need to agree on conventions again. You just pick up from where you left off.

IV. #

The Arabic proverb goes “Speech is silver, silence is golden.” But in order for there to be silence, you need to be in a space with little background noise. Here comes an obvious point: having good discussions in noisy environments is much harder. I feel like this point tends to get neglected in practise, so I find it worth emphasising. Most restaurants, cafés or co-working spaces can be quite rowdy. Instead, consider going for a walk. Apparently Steve Jobs loved going for walking meetings, perhaps for this reason.

V. #

From an information-theoretic perspective, good conversations are nothing short of miracles. You’ll have several people communicating complex ideas at an astonishing speed. There are no mind-reading devices involved, just words. In my own experience, having a good conversation largely comes down to synchronisation.

As a quick side note, there’s a reason I’m using the word “synchronisation” rather than “communication”. “Communication” can also be interpreted as a one-sided process, where one party shares information with another group. But in a good discussion, information usually flows both ways.

One way of synchronising better is asking more questions. Not only do questions help eliminating confusion, but they also make the conversation much more enjoyable. Depending on the situation, asking questions might also be necessary for everyone to feel included. Moreover, as pointed out by Ben Kuhn here, asking questions puts you in a better position to help whoever you’re talking to. Without any background information, you’re likely to give bad advice. And you can only acquire background information by asking questions.

Another useful technique is paraphrasing. The goal here isn’t to sound smart, but to synchronise with your conversation partner. In practise, this means I’ll try rephrasing the other person’s idea and asking if it’s accurate.

VI. #

It’s not just about being in sync, though. A good conversation also needs to be heading in an interesting direction. If you all know you’re heading towards a dead end or that you’re going in circles, then it might be worth pointing this out (kindly, of course). Chances are people will agree and be glad someone noticed. It’s a bit like when the host declares the party is over at 2 am, and you’re grateful for someone forcing you to go home and get some sleep. Another benefit of moderating the discussion is that you simultaneously encourage the group to metacogitate. Similarly, if you feel uncomfortable with a particular subject, it might be a good idea to say you’d prefer talk about something else, rather than being passive aggressive.

VII. #

How many of our 12 hours of conversation are of high quality? Quite few, I suspect. And this completely OK. Having good conversations can be draining too. It’s a form of flow. Even Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the psychologist who coined the term “flow”, remarked that we cannot spend all our lives flowing. So there’s no need to cut all small talk.

But some conversations matter more than others. In fact, certain conversations can be life-changing. They make life more enjoyable, generate creative and scientific insights and connect us to others. What if we could improve the quality of these conversations ever so slightly?